Return to the Iron Dungeon

Iron Dungeon - Weight Training / Bodybuilding

How to be Mr. Olympia
without touching a weight

by Pat Matteson. Reprinted from misc.fitness.weights.

NOTE: This is not written by me, and it is a joke piece -- not to be taken seriously! I have to write this as it seems that a number of readers are taking this too seriously!

Hello one and all:

You may or may not know me. My name is Pat Matteson. The regulars here call me the "Pimpdaddy," but you newbies can call me "GURU."

I'm about to tell you guys a BIG secret on how *you* can build a Mr. Olympia body WITHOUT touching a weight. Interested? Then read on!

You ever notice how muscles get bigger and stronger when they are constantly stressed? Take the legs. Those are the biggest muscles in the entire body. They carry your weight around practically all day. You'd think they'd get smaller, but that's not the case. As my great genius mind sits down and thinks, "What if the whole body was stressed like this?" Then BAM! It hits me. If we could put some kind of weight resistance on all our bodyparts, our muscles will be HUGE. So then I start thinking, "What can we do about this? Ankle/wrist weights? No, not enough weight and they look too dorky. I got it! FAT!! Yes, that's the secret! Not only will it not look dorky, but it is completely natural."

So then the quest begins. So then the search begins. Who will have the balls to do this project? This is where you come in. Will you do it? Are you down? And guess what? It's GUARANTEED to work, and you will become Mr. Olympia. How cool is that?

You're not convinced it will work, huh? Mathematically, it works out. Let's take an average guy. Say he weighs about 150 pounds at a height of oh, say, 5'10". The perfect height for the potential bodybuilder. He has a bodyfat percentage of 15%, which is merely average. That means his lean body mass is 127.5 pounds. Now he starts putting some fat on, because remember, that extra weight on your arms, legs, chest, and back will put some muscle on them, without even any effort! So this guy starts getting fatter, and I mean a *lot* fatter. This phase will be called not a "bulk up phase" but rather a "butter up phase." This process may actually take *years* to do, but hey, if you will become Mr. Olympia, is it worth it? I certainly think so. Okay, so our fictitous character is now buttered-up and he's all of 850 ripp(l)ed pounds. Okay, you're thinking, "Man, this guy will never meet the ladies!" And you're right, but when he becomes Mr. Olympia, women will be right and left of him. Just think about it. This person now has 75% bodyfat. His lean body mass is now 212.5 pounds! This is from a lean body mass of 127.5 pounds! And this was from doing NOTHING but sitting at the dinner table! Now it's time to go in the other direction. Time to lean out! I know, it'll be hard, since you buttered up for so many years, but you will become Mr. Olympia! And so this guy is getting motivated, and he does aerobics and he trains his ass off in the weight room. He goes on a strict diet, eating the best of bodybuilding foods, tuna shakes, and all. He's taking the best supplements: Phosphagen(tm), V2G(tm), HMB(tm), the works. He gets his supplements at Better Bodies Nutrition, where all supplements are 15% off. After years of hard work, our man is now down to 15% bodyfat. He weighs 310 pounds, and his lean body mass is 263.5 pounds. Are we done yet? Nope. Now is the time to put on some SERIOUS mass on. Yep, you guess it: the "Breakfast of Champions"- anabolic steroids. We'll put this guy on a light cycle at first, say some Deca-Durabolin (300mg/week) and some Testosterone Cypionate (100mg/week). Whoa!! He sees some radical changes, man! He now weighs 350 pounds with 12% bodyfat! About 15 of those pounds were water, the rest fat and muscle. His lean body mass is 308 pounds. Our man goes off this cycle, waits about six months and does another one, this time a really hardcore one: 3 Anadrol-50 daily, 6 Dianabol daily, 400mg/week of Deca-Durabolin, 400mg/week of Sustanon 250. And throw in some Growth Hormone and Insulin for good measure, and we're set. Our fictitious character is now 400 pounds, with 10% bodyfat and with a lean body mass measurement of 360 pounds. Now, it's contest time. Our man will now lean out to 2% bodyfat. He does aerobics, and everything else under the sun to lose weight. He does Clenbuterol, Nolvadex, Growth Hormone, and some Deca-Durabolin. He is now RIPPED to the bone, baby! And he weighs 320 pounds at a height of 5'10". Very impressive, even better than Dorian Yates.

So you see, I have just shown you just a little secret to putting on huge mass effortlessly by buttering up. Buttering up is very important. It gives you free lean man just my sitting doing nothing. So everyone, do this plan, you will become Mr. Olympia!!

Pat Matteson

 


Reader's Comments:

Please leave your comments or suggestions below!
2011-06-15jack
 you cant make it in the mr o without steroids but i will say genestics have a lot to do with it im 18 and weigh 12stone 2 with a bodyfat of 8% i have been training for 2 years only and hope to make it to the mr o shows in the future but for all newbies i will say just train right eat right sleep right and you will get a good body dont even entertain steroids if you are new to bodybuilding.
2010-08-14 
 this put on fat thing is bs.... the biggest guys take s___ loads of supplements and are in the gym doing weight training for up to 3 hours a day on a single muscle group (ie. biceps) along with this you have to have the proper genetics. if your muscles dont have the ability to get huge they won't. don't put on the fat like this guy tells and also don't take steroids those are worse. they just mess you up if you don't believe me google "steroid side effects."
2009-12-17Ronnie
 steroids get a bad rap because of all the people that use them improperly or over use them. IMO they are the future of athletics and human physical potential.

as far as the comment "fake body" thats not at all true. yes they are synthetic but they do make REAL muscle because all they do is speed up protein synthesis.

just use em right or not at all.

p.s. i DONT use them, but am somewhat of an advocate.
2007-05-20Edward McCauley
 Im 19 and i go gym 4 times a week, im 5'10 and 180 ponds with 6% bodyfat, ive never taken roids, but do take creatine,whey protien and tribulus toritos. Im very proud of my body and if it was fake because of roids then what would i have to be proud of, women like men ripped but not like gorrilla's, plus wheres ur sex life at 850 pounds?
 
2005-10-07 
 

I am 49 years old did five months back my first deca cycle with winni for 12 weeks I am from India ROIDS are available with ease. I hated the complex procidure called PCT NEVER GOT DECA D*CK ONLY GOOD THING WAS MY KNEE PAIN WENT AWAY FOREVER DEAR BUT I TORE MY LEFT RC CUFF DUE TO WINNI.I advice all not to do steroids FAKE BODY FAKE MIND I REGRET DOING IT

2005-09-02big matt
 

Depends how tightly wound your countrys narcotics laws are. Anyone up for a breif sabatical in Mexico..? *Ohlayy!

2005-06-23abdullah khan
 

hi i am 19 years old i want to be come mr olympia how can i do this

 

Hmm... What is your genetic makeup? Unfortunately, a big part of making it that far is based on what genes you were born with. If you're highly ectomorphic, there's probably little chance that you can ever get that far up the ladder, but there's no harm trying. Nonetheless, it's going to take years of intense, complete dedication to the sport, and an acceptance of all the potential health risks associated with it. I saw Andreas Munzer just before his death, and its hard not to feel concerned about the risks some people are taking with the level of supplementation often used to make it to the top.

2005-06-19 
 hi im 18 and i would like to become like mr olimpia im not muscular but i would like to get secrets to start bodybuilding. Thanks for this oportunity.

 


Leave a comment or suggestion for this page:

(Never Shown - Optional)