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How to be Mr. Olympia
without touching a weight
by Pat Matteson. Reprinted from misc.fitness.weights.
NOTE: This is not written by me, and it is a joke piece -- not to be taken seriously! I have to write this as it seems that a number of readers are taking this too seriously!
Hello one and all:
You may or may not know me. My name is Pat Matteson. The regulars here call me the "Pimpdaddy," but you newbies can call me "GURU."
I'm about to tell you guys a BIG secret on how *you* can build a Mr. Olympia body WITHOUT touching a weight. Interested? Then read on!
You ever notice how muscles get bigger and stronger when they are constantly stressed? Take the legs. Those are the biggest muscles in the entire body. They carry your weight around practically all day. You'd think they'd get smaller, but that's not the case. As my great genius mind sits down and thinks, "What if the whole body was stressed like this?" Then BAM! It hits me. If we could put some kind of weight resistance on all our bodyparts, our muscles will be HUGE. So then I start thinking, "What can we do about this? Ankle/wrist weights? No, not enough weight and they look too dorky. I got it! FAT!! Yes, that's the secret! Not only will it not look dorky, but it is completely natural."
So then the quest begins. So then the search begins. Who will have the balls to do this project? This is where you come in. Will you do it? Are you down? And guess what? It's GUARANTEED to work, and you will become Mr. Olympia. How cool is that?
You're not convinced it will work, huh? Mathematically, it works out. Let's take an average guy. Say he weighs about 150 pounds at a height of oh, say, 5'10". The perfect height for the potential bodybuilder. He has a bodyfat percentage of 15%, which is merely average. That means his lean body mass is 127.5 pounds. Now he starts putting some fat on, because remember, that extra weight on your arms, legs, chest, and back will put some muscle on them, without even any effort! So this guy starts getting fatter, and I mean a *lot* fatter. This phase will be called not a "bulk up phase" but rather a "butter up phase." This process may actually take *years* to do, but hey, if you will become Mr. Olympia, is it worth it? I certainly think so. Okay, so our fictitous character is now buttered-up and he's all of 850 ripp(l)ed pounds. Okay, you're thinking, "Man, this guy will never meet the ladies!" And you're right, but when he becomes Mr. Olympia, women will be right and left of him. Just think about it. This person now has 75% bodyfat. His lean body mass is now 212.5 pounds! This is from a lean body mass of 127.5 pounds! And this was from doing NOTHING but sitting at the dinner table! Now it's time to go in the other direction. Time to lean out! I know, it'll be hard, since you buttered up for so many years, but you will become Mr. Olympia! And so this guy is getting motivated, and he does aerobics and he trains his ass off in the weight room. He goes on a strict diet, eating the best of bodybuilding foods, tuna shakes, and all. He's taking the best supplements: Phosphagen(tm), V2G(tm), HMB(tm), the works. He gets his supplements at Better Bodies Nutrition, where all supplements are 15% off. After years of hard work, our man is now down to 15% bodyfat. He weighs 310 pounds, and his lean body mass is 263.5 pounds. Are we done yet? Nope. Now is the time to put on some SERIOUS mass on. Yep, you guess it: the "Breakfast of Champions"- anabolic steroids. We'll put this guy on a light cycle at first, say some Deca-Durabolin (300mg/week) and some Testosterone Cypionate (100mg/week). Whoa!! He sees some radical changes, man! He now weighs 350 pounds with 12% bodyfat! About 15 of those pounds were water, the rest fat and muscle. His lean body mass is 308 pounds. Our man goes off this cycle, waits about six months and does another one, this time a really hardcore one: 3 Anadrol-50 daily, 6 Dianabol daily, 400mg/week of Deca-Durabolin, 400mg/week of Sustanon 250. And throw in some Growth Hormone and Insulin for good measure, and we're set. Our fictitious character is now 400 pounds, with 10% bodyfat and with a lean body mass measurement of 360 pounds. Now, it's contest time. Our man will now lean out to 2% bodyfat. He does aerobics, and everything else under the sun to lose weight. He does Clenbuterol, Nolvadex, Growth Hormone, and some Deca-Durabolin. He is now RIPPED to the bone, baby! And he weighs 320 pounds at a height of 5'10". Very impressive, even better than Dorian Yates.
So you see, I have just shown you just a little secret to putting on huge mass effortlessly by buttering up. Buttering up is very important. It gives you free lean man just my sitting doing nothing. So everyone, do this plan, you will become Mr. Olympia!!